My Life

"The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men." – George Eliot

I’m alive. November 17, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — corntree @ 4:53 pm

So, it’s totally cool to post here even though it’s been a year since my last post, right? I don’t have to be so all-or-nothing. Life has been life. My kids are the most wonderful people on the planet. My oldest turned 13 the other day. My son is super into football and can keep all sorts of stats in his head. All three of them are so full of energy and imagination.

I think my mental problems are getting better. I’m coming off of a down time right now, but it was less severe than usual. I credit my progress to my medicine, the effort I put into fighting, time and my spirituality.

I think I’m turning into a real Pagan Witch. 🙂 I’m putting together a Book of Shadows (everything typed out and put in page protectors). I’ve been turning to simple spells more often and utilizing the phases of the moon. For about six months I was in a spiritually empty period. I was hurt because I asked Isis for help in a time of mental pain and she did not help me. I had just dipped my toe into the whole relationships with gods thing, and when she didn’t help I just thought I wasn’t going to beg someone for help who wasn’t going to help me, and then I just dropped everything Pagan or Witchy. Now I think it may have been the way I was asking, or that I was expecting an immediate response. I am coming to feel that God and Goddess want me to do things for myself so I can be strong. Which is a relief because I don’t want to be any deity’s lapdog. I still have my questions about why Isis did what she did, but overall she’s cool so I’m not going to cut her out of my life. I love her.

So, gay marriage is legal now in NC. I don’t really know how I feel about that. I think same-sex attraction is a psychological problem, one I’ve struggled with myself, so I don’t want to normalize it my making gay marriage legal. It might help kids with same-sex parents to be protected, though.

That’s all I want to write right now.

 

Goodbye, Thorazine. September 14, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — corntree @ 11:56 pm

Taking what I feel like is a big step tonight… going off the Thorazine. I’ve already dropped the Wellbutrin and Cymbalta with okay results; I’ve been sleeping a lot but I don’t really feel more depressed. I’m a little nervous about dropping the Thorazine; I guess I’m scared I’ll start having uncontrollable thoughts and  my brain will be more fractured like it used to be. Though I’m not totally certain being ON the Thorazine is what has made me feel better. I guess that’s what I’m going to find out. I have to be strong.

 

Nursing March 12, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — corntree @ 1:26 am

My 4.5-year-old daughter has been fascinated with my boobs lately. She keeps grabbing them and playing with them. So, today I asked her, “Do you miss nursie?” (She weaned about a year and a half ago.) She leaned in close and said, “Yes, ’cause I like that you love me.” It really touched me, and I thought it was wonderful that she understood that breastfeeding is about so much more than just food. It’s an amazing bonding experience. Hearing her say that today made me feel so validated about breastfeeding, like it was all worth it.

 

Recently, in the life of me… December 15, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — corntree @ 9:27 am

Well, last week I came off a good few days only to start another sucky week. I’ve been really anxious the past few days, which may be from a new medicine I’m taking. When it’s bad, I have to work hard to make it from second to second, but when I’m feeling better (like right now) the bad stuff seems unreal, like a dream. Back in May, I had a horrible panic attack, the worst I’ve ever had by far, and what I’ve been feeling the past few days is like a little bit of that. Also, I’ve been having trouble sleeping. I’ve been working to sleep at night so I don’t fall asleep so much during the day, but it’s hard. I wake up every couple hours, and the extra anxiety makes it really hard to sleep, too.

In happier news, we got a sweet new TV last week. It’s our first flat screen. It has WiFi too, so we can watch streaming video from the internet on it. We also got an antenna. We’ve never had “TV” before; we just watched movies. I admit I’ve been letting the kids watch too much TV, but we’ll work on it. (It’s mostly just PBS, though!) I had another talk with them about commercials and not being swayed by advertising, because we’re seeing more of that now that we have the antenna.

Yule and Christmas are coming up soon. We’re desperately trying to figure out gifts for everyone. I want to do something special for Yule this year, maybe a nice meal and a small ritual. I think I will print out suns to hang around the house to mark the sun coming back. I found a cute crochet pattern for a sun, too, so maybe I’ll make an ornament or something. I would love to make at least one new ornament for the tree each year. We already have a tradition to let everyone pick out an ornament to buy each year. Someday our tree might be packed, but right now it’s still pretty sparsely covered, so I like getting new ornaments every year. My FIL will be getting us a live tree as usual. I’m looking forward to decorating. Last year we had an awesome time decorating the tree. We played Christmas music and drank hot chocolate and ate gingerbread men. I remember I had tears in my eyes, I was so happy.

Well, that’s all that’s in my brain for now, so I’m signing off.

 

Rambles November 27, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — corntree @ 3:44 am

Been feeling weird about paganism. It seems wrong lately, like I’m fitting myself into a box or some external mold. I’m trying to back off for a while and hope I’ll figure out what I really want, what really feels right deep in my self. I have to find it inside of me. I’ve still been doing energy work and more “witchy” stuff, I think because that comes more from me and my own personal power. But I haven’t tried to connect with the sun and the night in a while. I don’t know what I think about deity. I don’t want to buy into something crazy, or just believe in something without questioning it. I don’t want to just purchase the “paganism package” and do stuff just ’cause that’s what pagans do. I don’t want to be a cookie-cutter anything. I do know nature is important to me and I want to connect with it. I have more to say but it’s all jumbled up inside my head and my mind’s in a bit of turmoil, so I’m cutting it off here.

 

Holy Water November 18, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — corntree @ 2:35 am

I have a book of spells that mentions holy water. It says one way of getting holy water is to collect water on a day that is special to you, like your birthday. So that is what I did this year. Well, I only “collected” it out of the faucet, b/c that was the best I could do at the time, but it is filtered, haha. I’ve been wondering how to use it. I could drink a little at times I need some healing or protection. I could anoint myself with it for the same purposes. I could include it in a spell that requires water. Even though I collected it on my birthday, I thought maybe I could anoint the children with it if they’re sick. I may start collecting water on the childrens’ birthdays, too. I also wonder if I should try to charge it or bless it further before I use it. I think collecting it with intention on a special day already gave it power, but it wouldn’t hurt to give it some extra oomph. I would also like to create a pretty label for the jars I stored the water in.

 

Look! A funny commercial! November 16, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — corntree @ 5:07 am